


Tortures of Hell, With Lower Prices

by searchingwardrobes



Series: Shopping with the Captain [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Future Fic, Humor, Jones children, Wal-Mart, back to school shopping, killian vs the modern world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-08 01:37:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7738291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searchingwardrobes/pseuds/searchingwardrobes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killian and Emma go back to school shopping with their three children at Wal-mart. Chaos and hilarity ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tortures of Hell, With Lower Prices

**Author's Note:**

> * I was inspired to write this fic after an epically horrible shopping trip with my own kids.  
> * I challenged myself to think outside the box on this one with the names of the Jones children. I chose Evan for their oldest because that's the name of Colin's son. I first thought of Rose for their daughter because middle mist roses are their flower, but Rose Jones sounded awkward. So I named her Briar Rose instead. It's actually a name I would have named my own daughter if my husband would have agree to it :) And I chose Ian for two reasons. One, it's at the end of Killian. But mostly it's because it's the name of MY three year old.  
> * Parents may be the only ones who find this funny, but I hope you all enjoy it. And I don't know if Maine has a tax free weekend. My state does. But this is a future fic anyway, soooo . . . Enjoy the Wal-mart chaos!

It should have been a simple errand. Run into Dark Star Pharmacy on the way home from Granny’s, school supply list in hand. Emma should have known that nothing could be simple where Killian was concerned.

              “Five dollars for a bloody notebook!” Killian practically roared. “This is practically robbery, Swan! And I should know, I’m a pirate.”

              “But, Daddy!” Evan, their seven year old argued. “It has _Star Wars_ on the front!”

              “It ought to be engraved with gold for that price,” Killian grumbled.

              “Honey,” Emma argued gently, placing a hand on his arm, “We’ve bought school supplies here for the past four years. And every year, you complain.” Which shouldn’t have surprised her. All prices in this realm were outrageous to her 300 year old pirate.

              “Well someone has to! They’re cheating the citizens of our town. Doesn’t Regina care about this?”

              Emma refrained from rolling her eyes. “It’s the only place in town that carries school supplies, Killian. They can basically charge whatever they want.”

              “Well, they aren’t taking advantage of this pirate anymore, I can tell you that.” Killian snatched the notebook from Evan’s hand and put it back on the shelf, despite the seven year old’s protests. He had five year old Briar Rose hand over the Hello Kitty folder and the sparkly pink pencil case.

              “But Daddy!” the little girl pouted. Emma knew Killian was serious when his little girl’s trembling lower lip didn’t sway him.

              “If the game is rigged in Storybrooke, we’ll simply go elsewhere, love.”

              Emma should have insisted they buy the school supplies at Dark Star; it was Friday night, and school started on Monday. But after being married to Killian for the past nine years, Emma had learned that when he set his mind to something, he was all in. And when Killian Jones was all in, he delivered.

              After putting the children down for the night, Emma crawled into their king size bed where Killian was sitting up with Emma’s laptop (which he still referred to as “the magic box”). “Did you know, Emma, that this is tax-free weekend? There’s no sales tax on back to school items through midnight Sunday.”

              Emma chuckled as she curled herself into Killian’s side. “There’s never any tax in Storybrooke.”

              Killian’s tongue stuck out of his mouth and his eye’s narrowed as he continued clicking. “I know that Swan, but there’s sales tax everywhere else. So this is the best time to shop outside town.” A grin suddenly spread across his face. “A-ha!”

              Emma leaned over to look at the screen. “No, Killian, please no! Not there!”

              Killian wrinkled his brow in confusion. “Why ever not, Swan? They have the lowest prices, do they not?”               Emma groaned as she pulled the covers over her head. Her voice came muffled through the fabric. “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, Jones.”

              Killian chuckled. “Now who’s being overdramatic? How bad can it be? Tomorrow morning, we’ll all head there. It will be a nice family outing.”

              Emma pulled the blanket away and stared at Killian incredulously. “You want to take the kids?”

              He shrugged one shoulder at her. “Why not?”

              Emma opened her mouth, then closed it. At first, she wanted to flat out say no. But then a mischievous grin spread across her face. It should have given Killian pause, but it didn’t.

              “Sure, sweetheart. We’ll all go to Wal-Mart.”

                             ***********************************************

              The closest town with a Wal-mart wasn’t all that far from Storybrooke. It was only a 20 minute drive. Despite that, the kids still begged to set the DVD players up in the mini-van. Yes, Captain Hook had a mini-van. They had made do with the bug until child number three came along. Two car seats would barely fit in the bug; three were impossible. To Emma’s shock, Killian had actually been the one to choose the van. Black, of course.

              “You know the rule,” Emma reminded the kids. “DVDs are only for long trips – an hour or more.” The kids grumbled and complained until Emma reminded them that they had to behave if they wanted to look at the toys or get a free cookie from the bakery. Emma drove while Killian messed with his phone.

              “Have you heard of this app, Emma?” he asked her, waving the device. She shook her head and grinned. He always sounded like a kid with a new toy when he discovered the wonders of modern technology. “You scan your receipt, it searches other stores, and if anyone else has a lower price, they give you the money back!”

              When they pulled into the parking lot, Emma groaned. “This place is packed! We’ll have to park a mile away from the store!”

              Killian’s jaw dropped. “I’ve never seen a parking lot so huge!”

              The kids all began talking at once as Emma pulled into a space. If her husband and kids were this excited about Wal-mart, they really needed to start getting out of Storybrooke more often. They all piled out of the mini-van. “Six, guys,” Emma told them. “Remember the number six. That’s the aisle we parked on.”

              The five of them walked through the front doors of the massive store and headed to the rows of shopping carts. Killian tugged one loose, then turned to the kids. He turned frantic eyes to Emma. “Where’s Evan?”

              “Seriously?” asked Emma, scanning the store. “We lost one already?”

              Killian pointed half way across the store. “There! See him?”

              Emma let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. “Evan!” she called. “Get back over here!”

              “But the sign says _bakery_ ,” Evan said, pointing at the neon sign. “You said we could get a cookie.”

              “As a reward when we’re done,” Emma sighed. “Get back over here, and don’t wander away from us like that again.”

              Evan grumbled and dragged his feet, but obeyed. Emma then turned to hoist three year old Ian into the seat at the front of the shopping cart. Ian shook his head vehemently. “I wanna walk!”

              Emma took a deep breath and counted to three. They weren’t even all the way into the store yet! Why the hell had she agreed to this? “You’re too little to walk, honey. It’s a big store.”

              Ian crossed his little arms and stuck out his lower lip. “Evan and Briar Rose get to walk. I a’ways too wittle!”

              “Come on, Swan,” Killian argued, giving her his best puppy dog look. “Let him walk.”

              Killian always caved when Ian complained about being little. Something about Liam always calling him “little brother.” Emma sighed in exasperation. “Fine! But if he takes off, you’re chasing after him!”

              Killian took Ian’s hand and smiled down at him. Briar Rose jumped up to hang off the side of the cart like she always did at Storybrooke market. But since Ian wasn’t in the front seat, the cart began to tip. Emma and Killian grabbed it before it fell over on top of her. In her fear, Emma shouted at Briar Rose to watch what she was doing. It was the wrong thing to do. Their middle child was extremely sensitive and tender-hearted. Her lip immediately began to tremble and her green eyes filled up with giant crocodile tears. Before the wailing could begin, Killian scooped her up and began whispering in her ear. A tremulous smile crept across her face. Killian tickled her, and all was well. Another crisis averted.

              “Shall we?” Killian asked her gallantly with a cocky grin. Emma narrowed her eyes at him, squeezing the handle of the shopping cart until her knuckles turned white. She would see that grin wiped off his face if it was the last thing she did in this stupid store.

              They headed to the school supply section, which was pretty simple to find. All you had to do was follow the sounds of scolding parents, whining children, and general pandemonium. Killian muttered, “Bloody hell!” under his breath, and Emma couldn’t help tossing him her own cocky grin. “Why are Ziploc bags and Kleenex in the school supply section, Swan?”

              “I asked my wife the same question,” complained a man to Killian’s left. “We didn’t have to buy all this crap when I was in school. Do you know what expo markers are?”

              “Haven’t a clue.”

              “Yeah,” the man muttered as he shouldered past a woman who was arguing with her twelve year old about a back pack, “neither do I.”

              Out of curiosity, Killian grabbed one of the school supply lists from the nearby yellow display. He whistled under his breath at the list and was suddenly thankful for tiny Storybrooke Public School, K-12. Killian was suddenly shoved from behind, sending him tumbling into Emma, which caused the shopping cart she was maneuvering to crash into a plump woman in front of her.

              “I am SO sorry!” Emma apologized.

              The woman scoffed. “Well watch it next time, lady!”

              Emma turned the cart (a difficult task, since one wheel wobbled ineffectually, not even touching the ground) down the paper aisle. Killian shifted Briar Rose to his other arm so he could pull the supply list out of his back pocket with his good hand.

              “Spiral bound notebook; color of choice,” he read off for Emma.

              “Which kid?”

              Killian shuffled the two papers. “Um . . . both.”

              Briar Rose scrambled down out of Killian’s arms, darting off between people and carts. Killian nervously kept his eyes trained on her dark bob with the giant pink bow. It had killed him and Emma at first to see her hair chopped off, but he had to admit the bob was adorable on Briar Rose and made her look uncannily like her grandmother. It was all the hairdresser could do to salvage Evan’s handiwork. They were acting out the end of _Tangled_ , he had explained.

              “I want this one, Mommy!” Briar Rose exclaimed, weaving through the mass of people. She held up her notebook of choice. “It’s Belle! And she’s reading a book in the library, just like in Storybrooke!”

              Emma hurriedly tossed the notebook into the cart, glancing around nervously. But no one was paying a bit of attention to their daughter. Briar Rose scrambled into the cart, admiring the cover of her brand new notebook.

              “Ok, Evan,” Emma asked. “What about you?”               “I wanted _Star Wars_ ,” Evan whined. Emma and Killian bobbed and weaved amongst all the people, searching in vain for a _Star Wars_ notebook. People behind them started grumbling for them to move along.

              Emma straightened, pushing her hair out of her face in frustration. “Just pick something else, honey, ok?” She held up two notebooks. “Captain America or Ninja Turtles?”

              Evan rolled his eyes. “Captain America.” Killian had a sudden urge to back-hand the boy. You would have thought Emma had handed him cow dung.

              “I want one, too!” Ian begged, jumping up and down.

              “Sure, little man,” Killian agree. “Which one would you like?”

              Ian grabbed a notebook identical to his older brother’s and hugged it to his chest. Evan groaned, “That’s the one I picked! He’s always copying me!”

              Emma rolled her eyes. The combined eye rolls of the Jones family was probably going to set some kind of record. Emma grabbed two other notebooks.

              “What about this one Ian? It has cars on it? Or dinosaurs?”

              Ian shook his head, clutching the notebook tighter. “Uh-uh. I want Cap’n ‘Merica.”

              Emma glanced around the shelves. “What about this one? It has Captain America, too.”

              Ian stomped both legs and scrunched his face up until it turned red. “Not Iron Man! Just Cap’n ‘Merica!”

              Emma began rubbing her temple. She was definitely getting a headache. “What about this?” Killian asked behind her. “It’s Captain America’s shield.” Emma held Killian’s gaze, both of them holding their breath as the toddler contemplated the choice.

              “kay,” Ian finally agreed, grabbing the notebook and tossing it into the cart. Emma and Killian both let out a relieved breath.

              “Killian!” Emma cried out, giving his shoulder a shove. “Quick, 2nd-3rd grade lined paper! Behind you; there’s only one pack left!”

              Killian whirled around, frantically scanning the shelves. There! He grabbed for it, but just as he did, so did another hand with long, sharp red fingernails. He looked up into the determined eyes of a frazzled mother. Killian sighed. Good form and all of that. He relinquished the paper.

              Emma’s frustrated voice came from over his shoulder. “Killian!”

              Just then, his salvation came in the form of a blue vest with a name tag that read “Brittany.” The crowd in the aisle seemed to magically part before her. She ripped open a cardboard box, setting out several new tablets of 2nd-3rd grade lined paper. Out of nowhere, dozens of other shoppers descended on them like locusts. Killian found himself in a struggle for the coveted paper, but finally, finally, he had some in his hands! “Pre-k/1st grade paper too, Killian!” Emma shouted behind him. After a brief struggle, he pushed himself out of the throng, paper in hand.

              “My hero!” Emma teased, giving him a peck on the cheek.

              Killian pulled the supply lists out of his pocket once again and groaned as he looked it over. At least it didn’t include the elusive expo markers, but they still had a long way to go.

              “Okay, kids!” Emma said brightly. “On to the pencil aisle!”

              Evan flung himself onto the floor, right there in the middle of the aisle. Killian looked around in a panic, expecting his son to be run over at any moment. “I want my cookie NOW!” he whined in the most annoying way imaginable.

              “Get. Up.” Killian hissed between gritted teeth.

              “Not only does he look just like you,” Emma quipped, “he inherited your flair for the dramatic.”

              Killian glared at Emma, then nudged his oldest son with the toe of his boot. “Get off your arse, son. You’re making a spectacle of yourself.”

              Evan groaned and did as his father asked. To Killian’s right, an older woman huffed and narrowed her eyes at Killian. “Well I never in all my days heard a father talk that way to a child,” she complained to her husband, loud enough for everyone around her to hear.

              Emma grabbed Killian by the arm just as he opened his mouth to speak. “Don’t, Killian,” Emma said sternly as her husband clenched his jaw. “It isn’t worth it. Judging parents at Wal-mart is almost a national past time. Let it go.”

              Killian sighed and rubbed his forehead. Now _he_ was getting a head ache. Emma decided to have pity on him. Rubbing his arm she asked, “Why don’t I finish the list on my own? You can take the kids over to look at the toys.”

              The kids all perked up at that. “Toys!” they all cried in unison. Briar Rose scrambled out of the cart, tossing her Princess Belle notebook heedlessly to the bottom. Killian grinned down at Emma. “I love you.”

              She smirked back. “I know.”

              Killian handed Emma the school supply list, Ian yanking impatiently on his arm. When he turned around, the older two had almost sprinted out of sight. “Evan! Briar Rose! Wait for me!” Killian jogged after them, scooping Ian up in his arms. He couldn’t believe the size of the toy section when they reached it. Toyland, Storybrooke’s lone toy store, wasn’t even as big as this one section of Wal-mart. Immediately, Killian faced a dilemma. Briar Rose wanted to look at the doll aisle. Evan wanted to look at the Lego sets. Ian wanted to look at the Thomas trains. Killian ran his hand wearily down his face. “Okay. Evan, you’re old enough to go over to the Legos by yourself I suppose. Just don’t go anywhere else. Ian, we’ll look at Thomas trains AFTER we look at dolls with your sister. She’s always having to do boy things, so it’s only fair.”

              Ian, of course, stomped his little feet again in frustration. When Killian continued to tell him no, he sprinted down the aisle and around the corner. “Ian!” Killian yelled. He glanced back at Briar Rose, then down the end of the aisle where his three year old had disappeared. Growling in frustration, he scooped up his daughter and raced for the aisle that said “Thomas,” but when he got there . . . no Ian. His heart suddenly constricted in his chest. Where was he? And what would Emma say? “Ian! Ian!” he continued to shout as he raced up one aisle and down another. He finally found him in the last place he had thought to look – the Lego aisle, standing next to his big brother, both admiring a Lego set of the Millenium Falcon. Killian let out a shaky breath, setting Briar Rose down as his heart slowed its erratic beating.

              But there was no rest for the weary, apparently. Evan turned suddenly to his father, legs crossed, hands cupping his privates. “I gotta pee. Now!”

              Killian groaned. “Do you know where it is?”

              “Yeah, I think.”

              “Ok, well, run in that direction. You too, Briar Rose. Ian and I will be right behind you.”

              Killian turned to find that his three year old had turned into a helpless puddle on the floor. “Nooo!” he wailed. “Toys!” Killian picked him up, but the child’s limbs dangled and dragged on the floor. How did toddlers will themselves to become heavy when having a tantrum? Killian hoisted Ian over one shoulder, still kicking and screaming as he raced down the aisle. When he came out into the large center aisle, Evan and Briar Rose were nowhere to be seen. Thankfully, it only took him a moment to find the sign that said “Restroom.” He ran as fast as he could in that direction, following the signs until he ended up in front of the men’s room just as Evan was exiting. Once again, Killian found himself looking around frantically.

              “Where’s your sister?”               “I dunno,” Evan said with a shrug of his shoulders. Killian wanted to back-hand him for the second time that day. Didn’t he know Briar Rose was a helpless five year old girl?

              “Well – think son! When did you see her last?”

              “She got distracted by _Zootopia._ On the TVs.”

              Killian raced back out into the main part of the store.

              “Look, Daddy, _Star Wars_!” Killian looked behind him, frustrated to see Evan looking at DVDS.

              “I don’t have time for this Evan! We lost your sister!” Killian stomped back over to Evan, grabbing him by the elbow and dragging him away from the DVDS. As Killian turned back around, he saw the same older couple from earlier. The woman was muttering and giving him the most condescending look, but at that point, he could really care less. He had to find Briar Rose! She was such an adorable little thing; what if someone had grabbed her? He saw the movie Evan had mentioned, but there was a whole row of dozens of televisions playing the same thing. Finally, he heard the sound of crying. Ahead of him, at the end of an aisle stood Briar Rose, turning frantically in circles. Killian raced to her, falling to his knees and enveloping his little girl in a hug, managing to keep hold of the boys in the process.

              “Anything I need to know?” came a familiar voice from behind them.

              Killian stood to face Emma, holding tight to all three children. “Yes, Swan,” Killian growled. “We’re leaving. NOW.” He deposited Ian in the seat at the front of the cart, ignoring the child’s protests as he buckled him in.

              “Have a rough time?” Emma asked, trying to keep a straight face.

              “This place is worse than torture in hell, Swan!” Killian snapped. “And I should know!”

              Emma scoffed. “Please, Killian, don’t exaggerate. Besides, you were in the underworld, not hell.”

              “Well I’d rather face Hades a million times over than endure this place one second longer. Come on children, don’t dawdle.”

              All three of them began to protest: “But what about our cookies?” “We didn’t get to look at the toys at all!” “Thomas trains!”

              “NO!” Killian cut them off firmly, raising his good hand in the air. “I lost each of you –“

              “You did?” Emma asked, but Killian continued without even acknowledging the question.

              “ – got knocked over by who knows how many people, had to endure more whining from the three of you than any father should have to endure, and there’s a lady in her somewhere who’s probably calling an orphanage as we speak because she thinks I’m an unfit parent.”

              “Children’s services, Killian, not an orphanage.”

              “Whatever. Let’s pay for this rubbage and get the hell out of here.”

              Killian turned the dilapidated cart awkwardly towards checkout, the children for once completely silent.

                             ************************************************

              An hour later, Killian sat in a booth at McDonald’s his head resting wearily against Emma’s shoulder. The kids had acted like total brats at Wal-mart, but they were all starving by the time they left the store, and they hadn’t gotten the cookies, after all. Storybrooke didn’t have a McDonald’s either, and Emma and Killian felt like Wal-mart had been just as much torture for the children as it had been for them. Besides, after Killian’s outburst they had been perfect angels.

              “Swan, next year, just tell me to shut up and buy the damn school supplies at Dark Star.”

              Emma chuckled, running her fingers through Killian’s dark hair. The children were burning off all their energy on the playground. Hopefully, they would all sleep on the trip home. Emma could have told Killian “I told you so,” but instead, she just kissed the top of his head. Killian’s phone dinged and Emma picked it up from where it sat on the table. She giggled when she saw what it was. She stuck the phone in front of Killian’s face. “Look how much you got back with savings catcher, honey.”

              “Bloody hell,” Killian groaned, slumping forward to rest his forehead on the table, “you’ve got to be kidding me!”

              “Nope,” Emma replied, still laughing, “we got back a whopping twenty-nine cents. They say they’ll transfer it to a Wal-mart gift card.”

              Killian lifted his head and scowled at Emma. She leaned over and began massaging his shoulders. Leaning even closer, she whispered in his ear, “You know, I did pick up a little something after I got all the school supplies. Something for me to wear . . . tonight.”

              Killian suddenly sat up eagerly, all smiles. “Really?”

              Emma withdrew a Wal-mart bag from her purse and dangled it teasingly in front of him. Killian snatched it out of her hands and peeked inside. His face fell. “That’s cruel, Swan.”

              Emma’s laughter was spilling out now in hiccupping gasps. Briar Rose came bouncing over. “Mommy got you a present?” she asked, looking inside the bag. She pulled out the pink grandma nightgown. “Ooohh, Mommy, pretty! It’s got kitty cats!”

              Emma doubled over laughing now, tears streaming down her face. Killian waggled a finger at her, a cocky grin spreading across his face. “Just wait until tonight, Swan. I know how to wipe that grin right off your face.” As hideous as the nightgown may be, Killian knew it would look rather fetching in a heap on the ground after he had removed it from his Swan’s lovely figure.

              Emma wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes. She knew this wasn’t exactly the fun Killian had envisioned back in Neverland, but her husband versus the modern world was an endless source of amusement for Emma. She was suddenly eager for the holiday season.

              She couldn’t wait to introduce Killian to lay-away.

             


End file.
